The human is a relentless bitch sometimes... (Sabi: Oi... >__<) She decided it would be fun to read over some of our old logs back when hide and I were just gettin' to know each other. Sorta stuck out to her how much I hate bein' sent away and she wanted me to talk about why. I don't want to (of course) but its either me or Sethin and he doesn't want to be bugged anymore than I do.

Yeah, so anyway... This prolly won't come as a surprise to anyone but Kisaki used to get pissy and punish me like that. We'd come home from practice or somethin' and I'd go get him a beer like I always did. But sometimes when I brought it to him, he'd tell me to get the fuck out of his sight. If I ever asked why he'd throw the can at me (open or not, it didn't matter) and yell about how he couldn't stand lookin' at my ugly face or listen to me whine or something like that. And when I was real little, I remember watchin' my sister and my dad playin'. If I went over and tried to play too he'd tell me to go do something like check the mail or put away my futon. By the time I'd get done with all those stupid chores, they wouldn't be playing anymore and he wouldn't be in the mood to play with me or some lame ass excuse like that. I thought I'd be smart so one day I made sure everything was done before goin' to try and play with them. When he figured it out, he got mad and told me I was an idiot for not realizin' in the first place that he was just tryin' to get rid of me.

*shrugs* I mean, those aren't exactly like what happened between us but that's what I think of. People bein' so sick of me they just want me out of their presence. Hurts bein' treated like that. Yeah, so you happy now, human?

Sabi: Oh shut up Kyo -___- Plus, you promised hide you'd talk more so you wouldn't need Waru. XP Nyaaa~

..... I hate you -__-;

Tats bitched at me about not coming here enough to even add Sasaya back >_< So I fiugred the bitching about not updating was coming next. Not to mention its been a fuckin' long time since I last came here...

So, uh, hide and I didn't break up. And we're doin' okay again, I think. Had some fun with Ry and Nigel last night too... Its always really good when we play with them. Ry's the one that suggested the blowing thing for hide while we were talkin'. He's got some really wicked ideas too but some of 'em hide wouldn't go for. I certainly would tho...

Yeah, so anyway... the humans and hide wanted me to talk a little bit about Rio-sama... Human started writing but doesn't like how its comin' out so she's going to redo it. Until then... I guess I can blab about her here.

( Fuck, I haven't thought about Rio-sama in a long time... )

So yeah, I'm gonna shut up so the human can write some.

I think hide and I broke up.... if we didn't, we're probably going to... I don't think we can work this one out. I mean... I just... Fuck, I don't know. I don't know anything with it comes to what the hell's goin' on. One minute I see his point and then I don't and then I'm pissed at him and then I wanna cry or somethin'. I'm so fuckin' confused.

I walked out on him. I shouldn't have but I did anyway. I knew when I didn't that I shouldn't have... I just... couldn't take it anymore. I was tellin' him I'd do my best and it still wasn't enough. I mean, what else can I offer? And as horrible as this sounds.... I was glad that for once I wasn't the one being walked out on. I hate myself for thinkin' that... Prolly shouldn't even have put it here.

I know I'm not feelin' this... Cause I'm not upset or mad or anything... I just feel empty. I want to help him but facin' that shit is so hard for me. Even if it is indirectly. And I know its stupid. Hell, everyone's told me it is. But it doesn't change anything. It still hurts. I told him I'd ignore it and do what I could.

I just... I'm not sayin' he's like them... He's not. I know that. But nothin's gonna come out of this if my best isn't enough for him. I'm not Yoshiki... I'm not as strong as he is. I can't be there like the fuckin' rock that man is. Not for things like this... all I can do is try to take it as long as I can. *shrugs*

I wanted to talk to him a little about that dream I had... the one with my mind's image of my mom... I mean, I know it wasn't actually her or her spirit or any bullshit like that... But it was almost good enough... seein' her like that... She was movin' and talkin' to me... pictures can't do that, ya know... But he's so fuckin' messed up that there's no time for anything else. I talked to the elf about it this morning... He helped a lot...

This isn't helpin' anything... Fuck, now I know why I never bother.

Well, hide's gone... I don't wanna say that he's out drinkin' but... well, if I said I didn't think it, I'd be lieing... I wonder why the fuck he didn't call me over if it was gettin' to him. And the only thing I can think of is that he went out to do that. *sighs* Almost cried earlier, after the other human told us he was gone. GM's been tryin' to comfort me since then. He kept tellin' me that maybe he didn't... maybe he just wanted to get out and all. And I know it could be true.... guess thats why I'm not mad. He eventually got on my nerves though and I snapped at him so he's just keepin' real close to me.

Mana came by and told me to be prepared. For either. Said he had hope that hide wasn't doin' it but just be prepared in case. Makes sense but fuck... I can't prepare for that. I dunno how I'd feel if he was... I know I'd be a little pissed and a lot disappointed but... I dunno. I know I told him I'd leave him and then I said I wouldn't but... I dunno about that either. Fuck.

I'm only writin' this cause my head's a mess. I've been pacin' a lot. My fingernails are bleedin' too. Didn't notice until a few minutes ago. I was sorta pushing one up under the other... didn't think I was doin' it that hard. *shrugs* I stopped when I noticed. Mana saw it too and made me dip my fingers in peroxide. Actually made me smile a little cause I had foamin' fingers. Didn't last long tho.

I wish I could go talk to Sasaya while hide isn't here. Not sure why. Don't really have anything I want to talk about.

( Sabi's not using her fic journal anymore so I gotta post it here... )

hide wants me to post again 9_9 Dunno why really...

Went over last night and he talked about how he wasn't doin' too hot and all... To be honest, I'm surprised he lasted this long, really. I mean, nothin' against him or anything. He said that he felt like I was distant when I went over... and maybe I was but I just don't wanna think about him slippin'. But I'm not givin' up on him or anything like that and I'm certainly not mad.

He said he needed to be dominated. I'm not complainin' that's for sure. *grins* He suggested that place Ry and Nigel told us about... Gotta find out what its called so I can stop sayin' "that place" all the time. I'm lookin' forward to it. I've never got the chance to show him off before, ya know? Not like that anyway. I can't wait. I really am proud of him and mebbe I can show him how much finally. Not just cause of the bitch thing either... we've been through a lot.

Damn, a year.... that's a LONG time for me... Really long. Shit. I still sorta can't believe it...

I'm a little worried about Sasaya too... he wasn't doin' too hot. And I'm feelin' a lot better since I got Waru out sooo.... I was thinkin' of writing some shit down and havin' hide snap it over to him. Might do that later.

Oh, and Ry says that place is called The Villa. Odd fuckin' name. Discreet tho, so I guess it works.

That shit last night was really... weird... What the hell? Didn't make any sense and I really dont get what he's tryin' to do with all this >< And I still want it. Bad. Fuck, I couldn't even get my shit to work last night. -__- Even after I fucked with his throat and he got all responsive and shit.

Anyway, its okay as long as I dun think about it. Jijis a good distraction. And hide wants to go view the sakura soon. Everyone's comin' it seems.

Oh, and I wanna go see Sasaya soon too. Wanna tell him some stuff.

Emotion. It's Emotion. I can tell. I want it... the pain, I mean. I feel it and its not even there. Just makes me want it more. So... dunno if I'll be able to tell ya when the time comes. Whoever does it. pretty sure it'll be hide but *shrugs*

Sasaya... He wrote sumthin' today... I read it and it felt like he'd stabbed me. Right in the fuckin' chest. Swear to god, I read it and for a second I didn't breathe... Fuck. And that wasn't the bad part. Bad part was the fuckin' question... "Is he right? Do I really?" And fuck, I dun wanna ask cause I don't wanna fuckin' know... Shit, I already know but I dun wanna KNOW I know. Fuck, I hate it. All of it. Goddamn questions just keep circlin'.... I say I dunno but I know I do and then I ask myself again to be sure and it just keeps goin over and over until I wanna roll over and scream.

hide said sumthin' last night about how to explain Waru to Sasaya if we ever needed to... *points up* That's it. RIght there. Waru in fuckin' progress. That shit runs thru my head non stop until I think I'm gonna go insane and what happens is how the fuck I shut it up. It just wont stop... ever. Feels like its jsut gonna keep eatin' at me. I have to snap. I dun wanna do this shit, I never do. Can't help it though. I can't take it. I can't take not doing it. This is Waru.

Fuck, why can't it just stop? Just one goddamn time, LEAVE ME ALONE! I wanna go to sleep without seein' his face... I wanna wake up and not be scared that he's there still. I wanna be able to close my eyes and not freak the fuck out. I just want him to go away.... all of him. Even the part I don't want to let go. GOD why the FUCK do I even want that?! I don't, I shouldn't but I can't fuckin' stop and I hate it and I hate him and I hate myself for all of this shit.

I'm goin' to sleep. hide, don't bug me, okay? Say what you want to here, but don't talk.... I just... I'm goin' to bed.

Heh, it really has been a long time... Lookin' back on some of the shit that I posted... *grins* I still remember how scared I was when I left him make love ot me the first time... We should do that again soon. Kinda made me miss it.

Anyway.... haven't update in forever and so much shit has happened. If I forget something, tough shit. Not like I'm good at rememberin' anyway. hide finally got the tattoo. Its fuckin' hot. And we ended up fucking in the bathroom of the parlor. Don't let that little shit fool you... he's a lot more of a slut than he wants to let on ^_^ 'Specially when it comes to public sex. Never had a strong like or dislike to it before but, hey, the way it gets him so worked up, I'm more than willing to do it again. Seriously thinking about takin him to that club place Ry mentioned. Even if we don't end up fucking, seems like it would fun. Nigel and GM have both been and they rave about it.

Things with hide and me have been goin' real smooth... No more cryin' over shit. I like this. The whole thing I mean. Yeah, okay, now I sound stupid 9.9 Moving on...

hide managed to find one of his old friends from his school days named Sasaya... killed himself like hide did and got stuck in that gray place. Poor kid's really fucked up. Our situation are really similar though... Abused by a parent, accused of chasing off/killing the other, raped, stuff like that. 'Cept it was a lot worse for this poor kid. I had Shinya, ya know? And later on the rest of the band. Even my sister helped out when she wasn't being a moron. He seriously had no one. hide's been bending over backwards to try and help him out but its like chipping at an iceberg with a toothpick. I've been helpin' too, as much as I can. Sometimes when I listen to him talk, it really makes me sad too... But its okay cause I wanna help him. I don't mind so much.

Well, that's all the shit I can remember for now.

I cant even say how much last night turned me on so I'm not even gonna try. Fuckin' hell. That is my heaven... no bullshitting. Especially the part where they were both tied down and gagged and blindfolded, panting and begging like that... Fuck. Just thinkin' about it makes me hard. I love it when hide gets like that towards the elf.... All grr and shit. He really is like a possessive little bitch. I guess a small part of me fucked the elf over him like that for that reason. I knew he'd get jealous. ^__^ God I loved that. And then having both of them around me as I went to sleep... holding onto me like that. I've been in a good mood all day.

Lookin' forward to the scene with hide. Also lookin' forward to havin' Sethin and Mana over. Sethin's such a sweet thing... *evil smirk* Cant wait to help corrupt him. Mana's gonna so be in my debt for this one. Fuckin' litlte dicked slut... and since we're doin' them after that scene with hide, I am so gonna be in the right state of mind.

Well.... I think I've been fucked in every possible way now. Not that I'm compainin' or anything... I let hide... *sighs* (Fine, fine, I'll say it ><) make love to me a few nights ago. It was fuckin' awesome. Never thought there'd be a time when I didn't want pain. It felt so good and just... right, I guess. I dunno how to describe it. Fuckin' perfect. I mean, yeah, I'll bottom to him if I'm in the right mood but... it's different. This was... I dunno, but it wasn't the same.

I should prolly start from the beginning so I don't bounce all over the fuckin' place.... Uhh... Doll came up. I didn't think he'd be all iffy over Doll and me and he wasn't so that's good.

I was really nervous goin' into it... Kept thinkin' I was gonna fuck up or back out. He went real slow with me, which helped a lot. Managed to crack a joke while he was talkin' to me and that helped. It also really helped that after tellin' him all my past shit, I just needed someone to do that to me. Ya know, make me feel loved and shit. Made it easier to trust him and give into it. He kept talkin' to me and tellin' me that it was okay and he wanted to do this and how he felt like nothin' could be wrong... Can't even say how good that all made me feel... Honestly, no bullshitting... I don't think anyone's ever made me feel like that.

Then he asked to make love to me... You know, like I could say no if I wanted to... I mean, I know I can always say no (not that I would) but... he actually gave me the choice.... *shrugs* Dunno why that meant somethin'... Course I told him I wanted it and we went over to the futon. He kept tellin' me it was okay then too. I laid down and said it felt like my first time again since I was so nervous and shit. hide made the point that it kinda was, at least in that sense.

He went real slow at first, just kissin' and touching me thru my jeans. He kissed my scars and that really sent me off. They were still kinda open from the night before when I scratched at 'em. He slowed down after that and asked me to touch him too. I did and after a few moments we ended up with our shirts off and hands down each other pants. I pulled him out first and then he did the same to me... At one point, he held his head back and I couldn't help but lean forward and lick it.

He rolled us over and was on top of me. I remember my heart started goin' really fast... Not sure if it was more because I was nervous or turned on. He told me to calm down and started to prep me. I got a little scared at first... Tensed up. He noticed and stopped. I told him I was gonna be fine to keep going and he told me to touch my scars, ya know, remember its him. I did, but I was thinkin.... I know its him.... I dont need to be scared. I need to get over that shit. So I stopped touchin em and closed my eyes. He told me I didnt need to do that, but I wanted to. I told him it was okay because I trusted him and I even spread my legs for him... Wanted to expose myself to him.... Cause I knew it was him and I didn't need to be scared... I could give this to him, you know?

We both kinda slipped into Japanese after that... He put in anotehr finger when I asked for it and kept reassuring me and going slow. Helped a lot. He made a comment about how tight I was, which kinda shocked me actually.... Usually when I'm bottom, I take it rough and shit so I figured I wouldn't be so tight. Guess its cause I'm rarely bottom though. He kept callin' me beautiful which I liked a lot more than I wanna admit ^^;;; He started thrusting his fingers and I could feel him so fuckin' close to my prostate... *shivers a little* He made me relax again before he added the third one. It hurt but alot less that I thought it was going to. He stayed real slow and kept talking to me so it was pretty easy to get over it. Then he hit my prostate and I was almost to the point where I didn't give a fuck if he was fistin' me as long he did it again. He started stretching me and it didn't take long before I'd had enough and wanted him.

Actually told him I needed him to make love to me... I think he really liked that. He kept stretchin' me for a little while and then pulled his fingers out. I had my eyes closed again and when I felt him leave me, I almost got scared again... Wasn't the same fear tho. I reached out for him... For a second, I thought he was gonna leave me. I almost asked him not to leave me but he was there again and kissing me real soft.... It was perfect.

I was really fuckin' worked up by then and he had to get to me to calm down one more time before going to lube himself and get in place. He asked again before he started pushin' in. It hurt a lot more than I thought it would... Guess cause this time I was actually feelin' the pain instead of enjoyin' it.... But he stopped and let me adjust. Told him I was sorry and made myself relax. Wasnt too hard considerin' how much I wanted this... He pushed in more and we kept goin' like that until he was half-way in. By that time I wasn't feelin' any pain and I wrapped one of my legs around him, trying to pull him deeper with it. He pushed it all in me after that and I rembmer feeling so fuckin' good... Kept sayin' his name and moaning.... *shivers again* Asked him to make love to me again and he started movin' real slow. Fuck, I can still almost feel it... He hit my prostate again and I think we both lost the ability to hold back. I wanted it to go on so much longer but there was no way I could have... Don't think hide could either. He asked me to cum with him and I fuckin' lost it.... I arched against him and he came, then I did right after I felt him go off. I think I went blind for a little while ^^; We both fuckin' died after that....

I dont think sex has ever put me in such a good mood.... Didn't snap at anybody the next day and I even let the elf call me cute once. He was all gushy over watching us and even I gotta admit it was pretty... ya know, lovey. Beyond the amazing sex.... I'm not scared.... Not of him... I can close my eyes while he's doing things to me. He won't leave me like that... or hurt me like that... It really helped... Course, this makes me wanna test it. ^_^ After I get my dance tho.... *jabs at humans to get back to the comp*

I'm awake now. I wanna talk to hide.

Since I'm here and the human's wrapping shit up...

GM, I'm gonna fucking kill you if you don't keep those goddamned ears of yours in yer own fucking business. I mean it. That was personal and it pisses me off.

Doll, thanks for comin' to sleep with me last night.... I know you like bein' around Mana now but I needed some one I wasn't pissed off at.

Somebody tell the new girl I'm sorry about last night too... She tried to wake me up and see if I was okay... You can imagine how that went. I think I pushed her... -_-

Mana.... As usual, thanks for coverin' my ass.

Shai, thanks for stayin' out of it. I appreciate it when people don't bug the fuck outta me.

Gettin' better, I guess. hide said today that I was gettin' my color back and my bruises were fadin' and shit. Took 'em long enough. I'm finally startin' to stay awake more than I'm sleeping so that?s good too. Uhh... nose doesn't hurt as bad as it used to. Can move it around and shit. Still kinda touchy in some places.

hide gave me some really good news earlier. When Mana went over to test it all out, he put me to sleep in case anything went wrong. Said I had enough shit wrong with me already. Threatened me with a syringe if I didn't take that shit he keeps givin' me so I did. Anyway, when I woke up this morning, the elf was bouncin' around and bein' all hyper and he snapped up the kitchen and started makin' breakfast. Thought it was a little odd, but nothin' clicked so I didn't ask questions. hide came over and while everything was gettin' set up, he told me that he'd beat it. Made me really fuckin' happy. I was pretty sure he would, but, you know, there's always that what if... And when I asked Mana in that morning he wouldn't answer me. So I was a little worried.

He asked me if he could wear the necklace again since he beat it... I told him to wait... which makes me feel bad 'cause he deserves sumthin' for overcoming all that shit. It's just... when I got rid of it that first time, I really never wanted to see it again. So I really don't know how I'd react to seein' it again on him like that. Kinda worried that it bein' there might make him think about it and want it again too... *sighs* I dunno. I wanna tell him yes 'cause I know he wants it but I'm still not sure how I feel about. Mebbe I should just swallow it and say yeah. He can always just take it off if I can't stand it... I dunno.

Thinkin's makin' me tired again. The elf's been really mother-y today so he's been keepin' a close eye on me.

Speakin' of mothers, I asked hide about his. Mana was right. I'm shocked myself I hadn't asked sooner. *shrugs* Just curious, you know? Listenin' to other people talk about their moms, even if it's bad shit... I dunno. Just kinda wanna hear it since I never really had one. Sometimes while they're talking I imagine what it'd be like if my mom was like that. It doesn't hurt me really to think about that. Even the bad ones. GM's was especially nice... I wish I coulda met her. *grins a little as he watches GM fuss over Sethin about saying something Doll-like* She did a good job on him... And hide's mom sounded cool too. Dunno why, and maybe it?s a little weird, but I kinda like the idea of havin' a chubby mom. Seems right, I guess... ya know, for hugs and shit. Liked the way she fussed over him and stuff. *shrugs* Guess I'm just fucked up. My dad never talked about my mom and after she died, we never talked to her family so I dunno anything about her except what she looks like. My sister was too young to remember anything too. Guess it's just nice for me to be able to fill in the blank spot with sumthin' once in a while.

Fuckin' horny. Seriously. It's not even funny anymore. That first kiss after so long was just perfect and then today since I couldn't glomp him, I kissed him instead. Had to straddle his lap so I could get to him without touchin' his arm. How fuckin' close can ya get ><; All I had to do was scoot up just a little and -__- Damn hand and damn blood loss... I swear when we finally are able to do it, he's gonna have to be top the first time 'cause I'd fuckin' rip him apart. Dammit... Goin' to sleep 'cause now I'm thinkin' about bein' horny again...

Mana's been keepin' me in bed all day. Not like he's havin' to try real hard. I'm so weak I can barely sit up for 30 minutes. Mana said I lost a lot of blood. I don't remember any of it at all. I barely even remember leaving hide's. Told the Elf sorry for breakin' his chair like that. Slept with hide last night. Woke up this morning and stumbled back to the head. barely made it in the door. Mana caught me before I fell, reamed me out about stayin' in bed and I've been here ever since.

Been thinkin' a lot... I mean, a hell of a lot. Nothin' else to do... hide like that... that fuckin' hurt last night. I mean, really. After I told him not to touch me, I wanted to tell him to take off the bracelet too... and I thought quite a few times about getting' rid of his name. After he left... *sighs* I hate to say it, but I almost did. The Elf stopped me. Wouldn't let me snap. After that happened I just started cryin'. I was so hurt from him actin' that way and lookin' like that... His eyes looked just like his and his voice was the same too... And then Mana came over and said he wanted me. I didn't even ask about what happened. Didn't care, I just wanted him. He touched me and I fuckin' broke. Seriously felt like my heart shattered... Don't even remember what I said but he said he could feel and I just had to hold him. Told him to move his arm and I threw myself at him. I didn't want to cry, but I couldn't stop. Mana pulled me off 'cause hide was about to pass out right there. That hurt too, 'cause I really needed more from him.

I still feel empty. Like he's not there anymore. I feel like shit. Fuckin' depressed, even though everyone told me he's getting' better and actin' like his usual self today. I wanna cry but I'm sick of it, and I'm too tired. Mana keeps givin' me this herbal shit to drink and makin' me eat. The Elf stays real close to me too. He brushed my hair for me this morning and helped me change... Fallin' asleep again so I'm gonna shut the hell up.

Tats said it was odd that I was awake when the human was this morning at like 7... truth is, I've been awake a lot last night... Didn't sleep too good. 'S been rough the past few days.

hide decided finally that he would take me up on my offer... ya know, let him take out his frustrations. So I went over the other day just to piss him off and get him to swing at me so he'd finally vent all this shit. At least this time I remembered to check the off limits shit before I got started.... started by just talkin to him, asking shit I knew would annoy him and just getting him more and more pissed. Hate some of that shit I said... I hope he doesn't think I meant it... *sighs a little* Right now, I'm not sure what the fuck he's thinkin' or if he even is. Anyway, I laughed at him and shit as he got pissed... made him get even more pissed.... I need him fuckin' on fire before he'd let go. It worked. At first he just stood up and kicked the table and screamed at me to stop laughin' at him. So, of course, I told him to make me. He hit me finally, but nowhere near as hard as he could have. So I just kept getting back up in his face and eggin' him on. I dunno when it happened exactly but he knocked me back on the couch at some point and reached down and grabbed my throat to pick me back up. Kinda scared me when he said that 'enjoy it for me' shit.... Thought for a second I really was gonna have to fight him. I pushed his hands away and we yelled back and forth about it until I got back up in his face and challenged him again. He hit me a little harder after that. Actually made me bleed. Still was more in him tho, so I kept comin' right back up and yellin' at him to do it more.

That last one hurt. He punched me in my nose and really hit me like he meant it finally. Broke it but not bad. Mana checked it out and shit so it's okay. I was bleedin' like crazy from it. I guess thats what made him come out of it. He stopped after that. Asked me to hurt him back... Wasn't sure if he was thinkin' clearly or not so I told him to prove he was.... Guess that brought him all the way outta it cause he kinda looked shocked and started to cry when he came over and tried to clean my face off. I told him not to worry about it, that it was nothing. He asked me to hurt him again and I told him no... He really didn't need to hurt anymore... He looked fuckin' broken hearted when he saw me like that. He actually vomited from it and that made me feel pretty bad. I tried tellin' him it was okay, that I would be fine and that I expected it to be a lot worse.... I really did. Didn't expect him to stop then. Anyway, I tried to comfort him but it wasn't workin' so I snapped up something to put over my nose so he couldn't see the blood. That didn't help either cause then he remembered he'd grabbed my throat.

He sent me away after that.... I think that hurt more than the punch did... Fuck, I know it did. I hate bein' sent away like that... I wanted to stay with him so bad too. I asked him to let me but he wouldn't. I understand why and all but still... Mana knows how to handle shit like this so I suppose I did need to go back and get taken care of. I just wish I coulda went back after. *sighs* So I gave in and told him I'd go if he told me he knew he hadn't done anything wrong. I didnt want him beatin' himself up over this shit when we both knew what could happen and I expected a lot worse than what I actually got. He wouldn't though... That made me cry. Cause I expected him to be better and he looked so much worse...... His hand was hurtin' and he said he felt like the lowest thing on earth. I gave in cause I felt like I was just makin' it worse. So I left and sent the elf in.

Came back, made it in the door and fell to my knees, just cryin'. Mana came over and tried to start cleanin' me up but I fought him a little. Gave in eventually. He's real patient with me... Guess ya wouldn't believe it unless ya saw it. He just knelt beside me and talked real quiet until I calmed down enough to let him lead me over to the bed. He did a bunch of shit to my face. Wasn't really payin' attention and I was half asleep. Prolly woulda fell asleep if some of it hadn't hurt like hell. He told me my nose was broken, but not bad so I didn't need to do anything but make sure I didn't move it around any and my lip was busted and I had some bad bruises. Gave me some pain pills and let me sleep. The elf was over with hide so I asked Sethin to come sleep with me. He didn't mind. I just needed someone to hold on to.

I stayed in bed a lot yesterday even tho I was honestly awake. Found out hide still didn't want me over and that just made it all hurt even more so I stayed in bed so I wouldn't havta face it. Not long after I finally did get up, the elf went over cause hide was askin' that someone come over. I made a run for it but Mana sat on me. I don't think I woulda went anyway.... 'specially knowin' he didn't want me. I was listenin' while they were talkin' and shit. hide finally got on the intercom and was talkin' to me. Found out he was punishin himself by not taking anything for the pain so I badgered him about it. He started cryin and I just couldn't take it anymore. I went to leave and Mana tried to stop me. Yelled at him and went on into the soundproof room. I just couldn't sit there and listen to him cryin' and knowin' I was the reason and that I couldnt go over and hold him. Dunno what happened but Mana came a few moments later and told me that hide was askin' for me to come over now. Dunno what changed his mind. I sure as hell wasn't gonna argue tho so I hauled ass over there and held him. Everything's kinda one big blur after that. I know I managed to get some pain stuff in him and got him in bed....

*sighs again* I feel like crap. Absolute shit. Really. This was supposed to make him vent and shit not make him sick to his stomach every time he looks at me. I guess that's what bugs me more than anything. I always knew I was fucked up and shit... but he was one of the few people that could look even Waru in the face and not turn away. Guess everyone's got their limits, huh?

I hate this whole journal-writin' shit. I dont wanna have to relive it twice... -__- Anyway, I dun think I'm gonna push to be goin' over there anytime soon. At least not until I look a little better. The swellin's goin' down a lot in my face and lip. Can't hardly see it anymore. That's the only change tho.

Readin' back over it... it was a lot shorter than it felt like, thats for fuckin' sure... Woulda swore it was a lot more than that... *shrugs* He doesn't remember it... Not all of it anyway. I'm not really shocked. So I guess its up to me to recount all of it. *sighs* They've been ridin' my case about it so I guess I need to do it.

Changed mah icons... Tats came in and fussed at me. Yeah, I'm done stallin >.<

I didn't expect to get so emotional through all of it. I mean, I knew it was gonna be hard watchin' him like that and all. I hate fuckin' not bein' able to control myself. Talked to Mana about it and he said not to worry cause it was normal but didn't make me feel any better. Hung around Sethin a lot today...

Anyway... He looked dead all stuffed up under his pillow when I first got there. Thought he was asleep but he didn't sound it so I guess not. He snapped at me for messin' in his hair and told me to give him some space. So I did. Talked a little, told him about how I used to havta bait Waru and shit. He said he didn't wanna do it and said he had to cause it would only get worse... To be honest, I'm still not sure if he got it all done last night... Much as it was, doesn't seem like it was enough. *shrugs* Mebbe I'm paranoid or sumthin'... Anyway, where was I? Oh...

He held my hand when it started... he just kinda got quiet and started cryin'. I said sumthin' and he pushed me away and really started to cry hard... I just let him. Didn't know if I should be sayin' anything or not so I just let it go thru him... He said it was too much to handle and I told him it wasn't... Not really sure why he got pissed but he started yellin' at me about how I had no idea what he was goin' thru and shit like that. Kinda pissed me off to be honest, bein' told I don't understand pain and shit. I didn't yell at him tho... Just let him know that I'd been through enough shit to understand pure fuckin' anguish... Said some shit I wish I hadn't. Don't wanna have to think about it, ya know? *shrugs* I dunno if he got that I do know what he's goin' through or not. He just got up and went over by the door.... thought he was gonna leave at first and then he started punching the fucking wall. -__- That's part of the reason why I told him he could use me if he got pissed... hittin' me's a lot better than hittin' the wall like that. Told him to stop, which he didn't of course, so I went over to him.... He yelled at me to leave him the fuck alone and I think he was gonna hit me cause he balled his fist up... I guess it made his hand hurt cause he just kinda crumpled and held it to his chest.

I held him a little and told him to stop bein' angry... He kept beggin' me to make it stop, which fuckin' hurt. Had to keep tellin' him I couldn't and that he needed to do it, that he could make it, stuff like that. Then he started to just scream which really did break my heart... Thats when I started to cry too. When he started to calm down, I went fucking stupid and asked if he wanted sumthin' to drink >< No surprise where his mind went with that one >< I apologized for being a dick and he calmed down a little... Checked out his hand, wrapped a cold rag around it for the bruising.

Then came the bad part... *sighs* I dont even wanna talk about it....

He got to sayin' how he wanted to drink and the other so bad... Told him he had to beat it... He started cryin' again and screaming to make it stop. Dunno why or what was goin' thru his head or what snapped but I guess he just went nuts for it. He reached up and actually tried to use the necklace to strangle himself... *shakes his head a little* That fuckin' hurt... I snatched it off of him. Fuckin' broke it and slung it across the room. Found it later by his guitars and just kinda stared at it... Snapped it away and went to bed. Don't really want to see it ever again... Anyway, I yelled at him, told him not to but I guess he didn't even know I was there, the way he was actin' and all... He just reached up and tried it again with his hand. I almost lost it. I slapped him and snatched his hand away, pushed him on the floor and held him down... Ended up hurting his wrist even more. Didn't mean to do that but he wouldn't stop. I couldn'ta done anything else... He just fought me and screamed. I was sobbin' even as I was yellin' at him. Doesn't matter though cause I don't think he heard shit I said. Told him I fuckin' hated than in him... that'd if I had to, I'd rip it out myself cause I loved him and it was either that or me... That made me think about what I'd said to him earlier... Ya know, if he did it again, I'd leave him and shit... I just got so mad and so hurt over it... As bad as I fuckin' feel about it, I wanted to bite him or punch him... I just wanted to hurt him. I didn't tho cause I knew it'd make me like my dad so I just hurt myself. Bit my tongue really hard. Still kinda hurts actually.

He just kept screamin' and screamin' and fightin' me. I finally had to call Mana. He of course, read me like a fuckin' book and told me not hit him and just wait it out. I looked at him and said sumthin' to him but he wasn't seein' me so I just held him down and dropped me head and cried. When he finally stopped screamin' he just laid there, cryin' and whimperin'. I saw him comin' to and called his name. I guess he came back all of a sudden cause he started yellin' in pain and trying to get his wrist away from me. So I let that one go, but kept holdin' his other. Wasn't sure if he was really back or not. He held his hand on his chest and cried and I told him I was sorry, that I had to. I told him I was gonna let him go and moved off of him, just sitting there, tryin' to tell myself I wasn't like them, that I really did have to hold him down like that... he turned away from me and cried and I swear that hurt more than the time he punched me in the face. I almost got sick... It was so much. I was angry and hurt and scared and Waru gave me a nice ol' kick in the kidney ><; hide started cryin' and beggin' again so I swallowed, trying to keep it all down and went to him. Asked to see his hand... He couldn't really move it so I asked Mana what to do. He said get it cold and then put a brace on it and dont move it. So I did.

He said he didn't remeber anything and to not tell him right then. Don't blame him. If I had, it prolly woulda sent him into it again. I told him I wouldn't and then asked him if he knew I love him. Dunno why, I just need to know. He said of course and then told me he was real tired and wanted to sleep. I moved behind him and hugged him... Guess I just got really scared that I was like them all of a sudden cause I started cryin' and tellin' him I was sorry and I loved him. He said he loved me too and that he knew he was the reason I was cryin'... He wasn't all of the reason though. He apologized to and I told him not to cause it was worth me cryin' if he got better. I knew he wasn't gonna move anywhere so I picked him up and carried him to bed. Almost didn't make it. I think he was asleep before his head hit the fuckin' pillow. Thats when I went to go find the necklace and stared at it.... Decided I never wanted to see it again and snapped it away. Still don't wanna see it. Not really sure why that hurts so much...

Talked to Mana about the me bein' like them thing too... He told me I wasn't. Said it was very emotional what we were going thru and that anyone who cared about some one could get caught up in it. Dunno what that means exactly but... *shrugs* He told me then that if I was like them, I would have beat him instead of holdin' back. That made sense. So I guess he's right... I still don't like that its inside me, even a little. I feel like shit. Absolute shit. Don't really want to talk to anyone or do anything. That's why I've been around Sethin so much. He's quiet. He just reaches over and touches my hand a little if I get far away and then goes back to mindin' his own business... I like it. 'S what I needed, I guess cause I'm feelin' a litte better... Not too much but I think I can manage to deal with other people now. *shrugs*

I wanted to post really bad but hide said everything for me ^_^; So yeah... go read his. Uhh... Still kinda irks me that he doesn't like to look at himself. I mean, how the fuck can that NOT looks hot to anyone?? *shrugs* Just want him to be comfortable with himself, that's all. Not really sure if I wanna push this or not. Dunno why... Well, that's a lie. I do know why. I mean, he's goin' thru enough right now. Last thing he needs is sumthin' else. Plus, its not like its that big of a deal. So it can wait until he's got room to worry about sumthin else.

Last night? Fuckin' hot. And I never thought some one kissin' a fucking necklace charm could mean so much to me. It did tho... Just sumthin' about it... I guess just the way he gives himself over to me so willingly... and then adding that on top of it. *shrugs* I dont even pretend to understand it. Just how I feel.

I really cant say how fuckin' bad I feel about what happened last night... I shoulda fuckin' remembered, ya know? Its my job... he said at the bus stop that we both fucked up so I shouldn't feel so bad. Yeah, we did both fuck up but that doesn't help me feel any better about not rememberin'. ><;

Waru's stirrin' a little. Fuck it hasn't even been a month yet ><; That's so soon... I dont think its ever come back this fast. I asked Mana but he said that I should figure this one out myself ><; Bitch. So I'm readin' over past entries and shit....

Think a lot of it came from May 2nd... That was fuckin' hard to deal with. And then that shit with Sethin... Ya know, that was alotta emotion for me. Specially so close together. And then me worryin' about not being able to feel his name burnin into me again... We worked it out, but still... And now me feelin all bad about what happened last night... He said sumthin' about maybe hurting me tonight will help. I think so. Mana says he does too. Cause its all been so much and I need a release. I mean yeah it hurt when we did the last scarring thing but hell, I was too busy cummin' to release anything ^^; So yeah, I really need it. I wanna be slammed around, ya know? Shove me around, fuck me dry, that kinda stuff...

And yeah, I still feel bad about last night.... I'm really fuckin' sorry.

Ya know, I always thought of myself as bein' more bottom than top. I never minded bein' top. Hell, I'd fight Mana for it sometimes but I always kinda liked being bottom best. But I realy, really like this... Usin' him like that... watchin' him as he fuckin' hangs on every word and move I make... Shit... And beggin' for more the whole time. *shakes his head a little* So fuckin' hot. Even hotter than Mana. No offense.

Last night... Fuck. The elf came over so I could watch them. When I first asked hide if he was gonna be my bitch that night, I sorta noticed GM gettin' into it. I thought he just liked us doin' it. Anyway, I let him top hide at first while he was fuckin' his mouth. God I love it when he performs for me like that. After that, he got to fuck GM... And, I dunno, I just went out on a limb and called them both my bitches. Thought GM was gonna cream himself ^__^ When they got done, they looked pretty fuckin' thirsty so I had them both drink from what basically amounted to dog bowls ^__^ Fuckin' loved that. The poor elf looked like he just learned that David Bowie was never real or sumthin' ^^; hide liked it alot. Gave me some ideas for shit to try later. oh, and hide, they definetly involved that cock ring. *evil grin*

Anyway the elf hightailed it outta there after that. I fucked hide next... Shit... *shivers hard* He took every fuckin' thing I gave him and that little slut still begged for more. Christ... I even hurt him a little... *shivers again* Shit, I gotta stop thinkin' about this right now.

Anyway, after all that, as much as I love it, I need to love him... I just wanted to take him in my arms last night but he was so dead. Been wantin' him all day. This want is different though. *shrugs a little* I dun like callin' it 'making love' ><; Not a fuckin' after school special. But I can say lovin' him... Its the same thing. hide wont let me say fucking ^_^;

Yeah, really gotta stop talking about this shit now. Uhh, Waru's building. Not bad, but there. House didn't help it any ><;; And all this emotional stuff too. Jus thought I'd mention it.

Fuck last night was awesome. Hate soundin' like a fuckin' surfer but thats the best word I can think of to use. hide wanted to try out the humiliation thing like Mana likes. I like doin' it to Mana. I fuckin love doin' it to him. Shit, watchin' him crawl to me, lookin' up at me like I was the only person in the whole world... *shivers a little* Doin' everything I told him, playing with himself, drivin' himself insane, doin' shit he never thought he could handle... And then finally loosin' it and just goin' wild. Fuck. I wanted to let him thrash longer but I couldn't take it ^^; Seein' him like that... Fuck, I thought I was gonna cum just watchin' him.

I need to break him more often.

The elf's comin' over tonight. Since hide knocked me out and I couldn't watch them together, I get a repeat performance *beams* Can't wait to see GM shoving his cock down his throat... Watchin' him play with himself while he does it. Fuck, I'm hard already. Mmm, and then I get to watch him fuck GM. I love watchin' him do that... Specially the way he watches me the whole time. *shivers a little* So hot... He's been begging me to fuck him... *grins* he's defintely gonna get it. I need to make him scream again. And I wanna be in him this time.

Speaking of tonight... hide's drinking thing's been bugging him... I told him it was okay as long as he wasn't trashed and he got the smell gone before I came over. No matter how hard I try, that smell makes me loose it. And, ya know, even tho I don't like it, I don't really mind too much if he just has a little and then can stop. It only really bugs me when he gets trashed. The smell though... I guess thats why I can't stand bein' around it or around him if he's doin' it. *shrugs a little* But he's gonna clean up and all so its okay ^__^

Oh, Mana says to wash your table. ^^;;; And he calls you a dirty bird.

Fuckin' hell... I dont think I've ever cum that hard before. Shit, I lost brain cells durin' all that. ^_^ Still kinda *twirls finger at temple* And fuck, they still hurt. Every time I move my arms, it pulls on 'em. Makin' me hard ><; Told hide I was prolly gonna be.

Speakin' of hide, Mana actually congradulated him last night cause he managed to push me over the edge. Dun get me wrong, I've been pushed over before (its hard to do tho since I can take so much, ya really gotta work at it)but this time was different. My body shut the fuck down, didn't even feel it when he started cuttin' me again. Scared me at first. S'okay tho cause I sure as hell feel it now ^____^ I think its kinda how it just feels better when hide does it... ya know, cause I love him and all. Went over my limit like usual and then just kinda happy-floated.

Did some shit with his throat durin' it all. He really fuckin' loved it. Hope it helps him. Bugs me when he's upset. Specially if I'm so happy I could damnit fly. He kinda worried me cause I thought he was tryin' to make me choke him. I hate that... I didn't at first but after that last time... Makes me sick to my stomach even thinkin' about it. I dun wanna be like them. And that's prolly the closest I've ever come -__-; Don't really wanna talk about this anymore so I'm gonna change the subject. I dont mind when he does his connection thing tho. Gets him off so much it makes me hot just watchin' it.

Ya know, I'm actually kinda hopin' the scar doesn't take so we can keep doin' this ^___^ I'm gonna miss it when its all done... seriously. There's a difference in this cutting and just cuttting. This has a purpose and all. Percision. And its fuckin burns hide into me. *shivers* Think I'm gonna end up with little hide's all over me ^_^;;;

Oh, and we gotta bring GM over again. I read the log in the memory files but thats not half as good as bein' there. I sooooo wish I coulda seen him poundin' the fuck outta GM. *drools* Shit, now I'm hard again ><;;;